Chapter 2

IV. The Choices For Marriage.

A. Finding the right person to marry.

B. Committing to the right person for marriage.

Note: Dating is defined as "a social engagement between two persons of the opposite gender" (Merriam Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary).

 

Dating is normally an unchaperoned  time

when a young couple is alone together. They often

hold each other’s hands, put their arms around

each other, kiss, etc. Is that the best way

to find the right one to marry?

No, it is not. First, the Bible forbids a man to touch a woman in that way, unless that woman is his wife.

    1. I Corinthians 7:1,2 says, "Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man ______ to __________ a __________. Nevertheless, to avoid ______________________, let every man have his own ________, and let every woman have her own husband."

    2. Proverbs 6:27-29 says, "Can a man take ________ in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon ______ coals, and his feet not be burned? So he that goeth in to his neighbour's ________; whosoever ________________ her shall ______ be ________________."

    3. Verses 26, 27 say "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy __________________ as thyself."

    4. When asked who our neighbors are in verse 29, Jesus responded with a story about a man who "fell among ______________, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him ________ dead." (vs. 30)

   5. Two of the people who passed by would not do anything to help the injured man, "But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had ____________________ on him." (vs. 33)

    6. Jesus asked them, "Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was __________________ unto him that fell among the thieves? And he said, He that showed __________ on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and ____ thou ________________." (vss. 36,37)

Your neighbor’s wife  is any woman  that will not

be your wife some day. You only have the right

to lovingly touch one woman — your wife.

If you do otherwise, then you are

sinning against your neighbor.

    7. Exodus 20:17 tells us one of the Ten Commandments, which is, "...thou shalt not __________ thy neighbour's ________."

One of the major problems of dating, is that it is

based upon trial  and error. It is entered with

no promises, and so can be lightly discarded.

The problem is the precedent  that it sets.

Note: "Date?...Problems?...Then drop him!" "Date?...Problems?... Then drop her!" "Date again?...More problems?...Then drop him!" Finally, after years of dating relationships, "Marriage?... Problems?...Stay together?...No way!...I’m out’a here!"

WHY DO WE EXPECT ANY DIFFERENTLY? THAT HAS BEEN THE PRECEDENT SET BY YEARS OF DATING. Why are we so surprised when couples seem to have so little commitment to make marriage work? If we allow dating, then we are part of the problem.

 

Another major problem of dating is that it is based

upon experience — not love  and trust.

That is the old philosophy, "If I cannot experience it, how will I know if I like it?" That is a foolish and deadly philosophy. What if a person did that with a bottle of poison? That is the same foolish philosophy that Solomon tried with women, and he found it more bitter than death.

    8. I Kings 11:3 tells us that Solomon had "...__________ hundred wives, princesses, and ____________ hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart."

    9. Was Solomon happy with his philosophy of having to have every beautiful woman to be his wife? He said in Ecclesiastes 7:26, "And I find more ____________ than __________ the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the ____________ shall be __________ by her."

Dating sets you up in the mode to compare everyone

to each other. And you will probably never find

all the best traits  in one person.

So what will you do — marry all three?

   10. II Corinthians 10:12 says, "For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or ______________ ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and __________________ themselves among themselves, are ______ ________."

    1. Should you use the DATING method?

    2. Should you use the COURTING method?

The pastor watched his son and his daughter in their

respective courtship's, and was puzzled at what he

saw. He could not sense that the couples were

falling in love, but that they were keeping distant

in their relationships. He sensed that something

was wrong, but he did not know what it was.

The pastor finally realized what was happening. His children had been taught to never give their hearts away and become attached to anyone other than their husband or wife. Even though the courtship's were intended to result in marriage — there was no guarantee that they would. Thus, his children were holding back on any emotional attachment. They were only doing what they had been trained to do.

At this point, the pastor really felt bad as to the situation in which he had placed his children, and he praised God for their integrity to still guard their hearts. He had unknowingly placed his children in a situation where he was encouraging them to fall in love with young people that could very well one day be someone else’s husband or wife. He suddenly realized that was sin — to try and fall in love with someone that may one day be another person’s husband or wife.

 

The pastor then looked up the word court  in the

dictionary, and was aghast when he found this

definition, "conduct or attention intended to

win favor or dispel hostility; to allure,

tempt; to seek the affections of."

(Merriam Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary).

He thought that courting  was the Biblical way to

find a mate, but then he found out that it placed

young couples in the position of tempting

and alluring   one another.

         a. Matthew 5:27,28 says, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever ______________ on a woman to ________ after her hath committed __________________ with her already ____ his __________."

         b. Proverbs 4:23 says, "________ thy __________ with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."

         c. II Timothy 2:22 says, "Flee also ________________ __________: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a ________ __________."

Courting   is another trail that leads to broken hearts.

Note: Have you ever heard of a young couple breaking up, and one of them having a broken heart over it? If you have lived very long, you have seen many such situations. It makes everyone feel sorry for the heart-broken person. Should we feel sorry for that person?

What we should realize is that IT IS A VERY SERIOUS SIN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE THAT IS NOT OUR OWN HUSBAND OR WIFE.

         d. Remember what I Corinthians 7:1,2 says? "Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to __________ a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid ______________________, let every man have his ______ ________, and let every woman have her ______ ______________."

It is a very serious sin to be broken-hearted  over

the loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend — because no one

should be emotionally attached to someone of the opposite gender,

unless that someone  is your husband  or wife.

Dating and courting both try and stir up emotions that are not scriptural, until a couple is considered husband and wife.

    e. Three times in the Book, Song of Solomon, we find this same statement made as is in 8:4, "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye ________ ______ ____, nor __________ my ________, until he please."

Note:   It is wrong to stir up that feeling in people, until there is a definite commitment made for marriage.

    2. Should you use the COURTING method?

    3. Should you use the BETROTHAL method?

Now the pastor began to realize why marriages in

the Bible were arranged by betrothal — not by dating

or by courtship. It was not just a custom  of that day

— it was because that is the only scriptural way

there is to find a husband or wife without

sinning inwardly and/or outwardly.

 Question: If you cannot date or court a person, then how do you ever find the right one? You do it by faith.

         a. Romans 10:17 tells us, "So then __________ ____________ by hearing, and hearing by the ________ of ______."

         b. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now __________ is the __________________ of things hoped for, the ________________ of things not seen."

         c. II Corinthians 5:7 tells us, "(For we walk by __________, ______ by __________:)"

         d. Isaiah 40:8 says, "The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the ________ of our ______ shall __________ for ________."

         e. Hebrews 6:19 tells us, "Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both ________ and ________________, and which entereth into that within the veil."

The Bible teaches us to first observe people, and to

find someone with the right scriptural qualifications

to make a good husband or wife. Then, the parents

should get together and see if there is a mutual desire

to make a commitment to marriage (this includes

not only the consent of the parents, but also the willing

consent of the two young persons involved). If all

parties are willing, then the betrothal (the engagement)

should be made. At that point, the Bible refers to

the couple as husband  and wife. Then, they may begin

a chaperoned courtship  until the wedding day.

First, observe young people in a family setting

— not as paired off couples.

Dating and courting sets a couple up in a fairy tale world. Anyone can put on a show on a date. Anyone can act polite for a few hours. What you really need to see is how they treat their family — their parents and brothers and sisters — the people with whom they have lived. Because once that person has lived with you for some time, that is exactly how he/she is going to act, for better or for worse (other than by the grace of God).

So before a couple gets emotionally attached, families should fellowship together as families. Invite families over for times of fellowship. Does the young man belch out loud at the table in his own home? Would you want your daughter to marry him?

         f. Psalm 59:7, 8 refers to such people as acting like the heathen, "Behold, they __________ out with their mouth: swords are in their lips: for who, say they, doth hear? But thou, O LORD, shalt laugh at them; thou shalt have all the ________________ in derision."

         g. Proverbs 31:10-31 gives us a glimpse of the virtuous woman, and in verse 15 it says, "She ____________ also while it is yet night, and ____________ ________ to her __________________, and a portion to her maidens."

      h. Ephesians 6:1-3 says, "________________, ________ your ______________ in the Lord: for this is right. ____________ thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be ________ with thee, and thou mayest ________ ________ on the earth."

Note: None of these things can be observed in a dating or courtship atmosphere. You need to observe the young people in their home and in group settings. Are they easily swayed with the crowd to be mischievous, or do they really have character and willing to stand alone?

         i. Exodus 23:2 says, "Thou shalt ______ ____________ a __________________ to do ________."

Second, when a prospective young person

is observed, the parents should get together

and talk about the matter.

Note: Samson is certainly not a good role model for young people today, but even he did not attempt to arrange a marriage for himself. He went to his dad with the request. Please read Judges 14:1-3, and fill in the following blanks.

         j. Verse 2 says, "I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore ______ ______ for me to ________."

         k. In verse 3, Samson should have listened to his dad, but he did not, and said, "______ ______ for ____; for she pleaseth me well."

         l. Jacob’s mother encouraged him to lie to his dad, but he said in 27:12, "My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a ________________."

         m. Jacob went ahead and listened to his mother’s bad advice and lied to his dad, and 27:41 tells us, "And Esau __________ Jacob because of the blessing wherewith his father blessed him: and Esau said in his heart, The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then will I ________ my brother Jacob."

         n. In 27:42-28:2, we find that Rebekah devises a plan to get her son Jacob safely away to her brother’s house. In 27:46 it says, "And Rebekah said to Isaac, I am __________ of my life because of the __________________ of Heth: if Jacob take a wife of the daughters of Heth, such as these which are of the daughters of the land, what ________ shall my ________ do me?"

Note: It was heavy upon Isaac and Rebekah’s hearts about the girls that Esau had chosen to marry.

         o. Genesis 26:34,35 tells us, "And ________ was forty years old when ____ ________ to ________ ____________ the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and __________________ the daughter of Elon the Hittite: Which were a __________ of ________ unto Isaac and to Rebekah."

         p. Isaac picks up on the idea, and tells Jacob in 28:2, "Arise, ____ to Padanaram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother's father; and ________ ________ a ________ from thence of the daughters of Laban thy mother's brother."

        q. Verses 2-4 say, "And Abraham said unto his ____________ ______________ of his house, that __________ over ______ that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: And I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell: But thou shalt go unto ____ ______________, and to my kindred, and ________ a ________ unto my son __________."

         r. Verse 10 tells us that, "the servant took ______ camels" with him.

         s. Verse 11 says, "And he made his camels to __________ ________ without the city by a ________ of water at the time of the evening, even the ________ that __________ go out to draw water."

         t. In verse 14, the servant prays to the Lord and says, "And let it come to pass, that the ____________ to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that __ may __________; and she shall say, Drink, and __ will ________ thy ____________ __________ also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast showed kindness unto my master."

         u. Verse 16 tells us, "And the damsel was ________ ________ to look upon."

         v. Psalm 37:4 tells us, "________________ ______________ also in the ________; and he shall give thee the ______________ of thine __________."

         w. Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now unto him that is able to do __________________ __________________ __________ ______ that we ______ or __________, according to the power that worketh in us."

What is very interesting, though, is that Isaac is one

of the very few in the Old Testament who only had

one wife. Evidently, he felt the servant had made

a good choice for him. It makes one wonder how

much longer marriages would last today, if the

choosing process  involved some people of age,

wisdom, and experience. How about the parents?

Now, back to Jacob being sent out on his own to find a wife, what did he do? How did he go about choosing a wife, and how did the process go? Was it (and is it still) wise to send a young man out on his own to find a wife?

         x. Genesis 29:10,11, shows a rare thing in the Bible when it states, "And Jacob ____________ Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept."

         y. Genesis 29:14 says that Jacob stayed with Laban "the space of a __________."

         z. In verse 15, Laban realizes that Jacob should not be working for him for nothing, and so asks, "Tell me, what shall thy __________ be?"

         a. Verse 16 tells us that Laban had two daughters, and verse 17 describes them, "Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was __________________ and ________ favoured."

         b. Verse 18 reveals which one he chose, "And Jacob __________ ____________; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter."

Jacob chose a wife on the basis of looks. He chose

        c. Proverbs 31:30 says, "Favour is deceitful, and ____________ is ________: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised."

— Please read Genesis 29:20-28, and fill in the following blanks.

         d. Verse 23 reveals that Laban tricked Jacob, "And it came to pass in the evening, that he took ________ his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her."

         e. Verse 25 shows what happened, "And it came to pass, that in the ______________, behold, it was ________: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for ____________? wherefore then hast thou ________________ me?"

         f. In verse 26, Laban gave the excuse, "It must not be so done in our ______________, to give the ______________ before the __________________."

         g. Laban’s way to fix the problem is found in verses 27,28, "Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet __________ __________ __________. And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him ______________ his daughter to wife also."

         h. Verse 31 tells us, "And when the LORD saw that _________ was hated, he opened her ________: but ____________ was ____________."

         i. In chapter 30:1, we see trouble in the home, "And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel ____________ her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die."

         j. Because of the bickering between the sisters, Jacob finds himself with two more wives (or concubines — wives of a lower status), according to 30:3,9, the names of these wives were, ____________ (vs. 3) and ____________ (vs. 9).

Many young men today are sent out on their own

to find a wife, just like Jacob. And they find

themselves in a similar situation — married

with a house full of turmoil, so they go get

another wife (after a divorce), thinking

that it will cure the problem, but it does not.

What they are left with is a trail of women fighting

and bickering over their money and their children.

Parents should be involved in the decision of finding a husband or wife for their children, but that does not mean that the children themselves have no say in the matter.

        k. Genesis 24:58 says "And they called ______________, and said unto her, Wilt thou ____ with this man? And she said, __ ________ go."

Note: The children should be involved in the decision, and should never be forced to marry against their will.

When the parents and children have agreed that a certain person meets the qualifications for marriage, and when the parents talk and agree with the marriage of their two children, then a betrothal or engagement should be made — before any courting is done. Remember, courting is a period of "seeking the affections of" (this does not mean that they touch each other yet, but simply that it is okay now to fall in love). We should never seek the affections of anyone other than our husband or wife.

 

The reason that it is okay to court  during the

engagement period, is because the Bible refers

to them at that point as husband  and wife.

      l. Matthew 1:18 says, "Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was ________________ to Joseph, ____________ they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost."

Note: Espoused means "betrothed." (Merriam Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary). Joseph and Mary were engaged. They had not been immoral with each other, but Joseph thought that Mary had been unfaithful to him, because she was expecting a baby.

         m. The next verse says, "Then Joseph her ______________, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily."

         n. Verse 20 says, "fear not to take unto thee Mary thy ________."

God’s way is betrothal (engagement). God’s way

results in no broken hearts, no impure thoughts,

to be another person’s husband or wife.

God’s way is the way of no regrets!

         o. Ephesians 5:31-33 says, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning ____________ and the ____________."

How did we become the Bride of Christ?  Did we see

our Groom (our Savior)  before we entered into a

relationship with Him? No. We love Him — right now,

but we have never even seen Him.

         p. I Peter 1:7-9 says, "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not ________, ye ________; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls."

         q. Romans 10:17 says, "So then __________ cometh by hearing, and hearing by the ________ of God."

         r. Genesis 2:18 says, "And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; ___ will make him an help meet for him."

         s. Genesis 2:22 says, "And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, ________ he a woman, and ______________ her unto the man."

God did not have to ask Adam what he liked,

because God knew what best suited Adam.

Are we any different? Do we think that we could even

come close to knowing more than God in the matter

of who would make us the best husband or wife?

God’s way to find the right husband or wife is to CHOSE ONE BASED UPON BIBLICAL QUALIFICATIONS. When such a person is found, and the parents and the young people all give their consent in the matter, then a betrothal or engagement should be made. After that, a chaperoned courtship may proceed until the wedding ceremony.

Review:

    1. ____________ is normally an unchaperoned time when a young couple is alone together.

    2. I Corinthians 7:1,2 says "It is good for a man not to __________ a woman" (that he is not married to), so... "let every man have his own wife."

    3. Your neighbor’s wife is any woman that will not be _________ wife some day.

    4. One of the major problems of dating is that it is based upon trial and __________.

    5. Dating sets people up in the mode to ______________ everyone to each other.

    6. The word court means, "conduct or attention intended to win favor or dispel hostility; to ___________, tempt; to seek the ____________________ of."

    7. We should not feel sorry for someone who is broken-hearted over the loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend, because it is a very serious ______ to fall in love with someone that is not your husband or wife.

    8. The word betrothal means, "a mutual ______________ or contract for a future marriage."

    9. Marriages in the Bible were arranged by betrothal, because that is the only scriptural way there is to find a husband or wife without sinning ________________ and/or outwardly.

    10. The best way to see what someone is really like, is in a ____________ setting — not as paired-off couples.

    11. Isaac is one of the very few in the Old Testament who only had ______ wife. Evidentially he felt that the servant had made a good choice for his wife.

    12. Jacob was sent out to find a wife for himself, and he chose her on the basis of __________, just like most young men do.

    13. The reason that it is okay to court during the engagement (betrothal) period, is because the Bible refers to them at that point as ______________ and ________.

    14. God’s way (betrothal or engagement) results in no ____________ hearts, no ____________ thoughts, and never falling in love with someone that is going to be another person’s ______________ or ________.

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